Getting better? Yes?...No?...Hell, I dunno.

Pottering around the kitchen this morning making breakfast, and suddenly realised my throat didn't hurt quite so much.  Or did it?  Well I'm taking 3 lots of Ibuprofen a day and 4 lots of Paracetamol, but the last thing I took was a couple of para last night.  Which was 6 hours ago. So if my throat feels milder now...does that mean it's getting better?  Possibly.  I'll see if the trend continues, though I'm prepared to believe that this might just be within the statistical range of "more" or "less" painful.

I'd give it maybe 4.5 / 10 today.  We'll see.  Hurts when I swallow, and yawn.

Neck Pain. Week 4 and a bit.

Back to work today, and my 4th day on regular ibuprofen and paracetamol.  Is it any better? Difficult to tell.  I think not, but then does that mean it would be worse if I wasn't taking the drugs?  Because I'm back at work, I get periods of boredom, during which time I yawn...and it hurts when I yawn.  It really does feel like a weird cross between a viral ache and a muscular one. I've sat with my hands on my face, poking and prodding, but I can't feel any lumps or any soreness...other than what I feel when I swallow.  But the pain is strange.  Almost familiar.  I've felt something like this before, if only I could remember.  Come to think about it, it does feel like the pain you get in your parotid gland when you're hungry.  This is weird. Weird and unpleasant. 

Neck pain. Week 4

It's Monday.  I'm on leave for a day with the kids while Kay's at work, typing this before I make their breakfast.  A little bit hungover from a combination of the hot weather and two large bottles of Stella last night.  My neck still hurts.

I say "my neck" but it's a kind of combination of my throat and "inside" my neck.  About 3 weeks ago I suddenly realised it kind of hurt when I swallowed.   At first I thought I was coming down with a cold, but then as the week went on and no cold materialised I realised it was something else. I still don't know what.  I can't feel any pain if I poke or massage the area, or any lumps or anything, although there does seem a semblance of stiffness round the neck and shoulder.  This could be the cause of the pain, or a result of it.  I just don't know.  Went to the GP on Thursday last week, and she couldn't see anything obvious down my throat (it's about on a level with my jawbone), or feel any swelling.  So her immediate response was "take ibuprofen 3 times a day then see me again in 2 weeks."

I suppose I could have pointed out that I've already been doing this for a week and it makes no difference, but it never occurred to me.  Pain killers hardly touch it, but I guess I've got to go through the motions.  It could be anything I suppose - a wrenched neck, or a swallowed piece of fingernail that's lodged in my throat (yes I do bite my nails), or something "more serious" Dan Dan Daaaahh...

Whatever, it's been going on for almost 4 weeks now so I figured it was ripe for blogging.   If nothing else it'll be interesting to look back on.

Pain level out of 10....7.
Type of pain...burning ache when I swallow.

Heart - Magazine 1978 (or is it 1977?)

For some reason or other I was reminded of the band "Heart" this morning whilst cooking breakfast, so began playing their 1st album "Dreamboat Annie".  Now as is my wont while waiting for sausages and bacon to grill, I started browsing Wikipedia and reading about the early days of the band.

It turns out that after the 1st album they had a row with their record company, Mushroom Records, and left.  However the company maintained that the band owed them a 2nd album, so cobbled together the album "Magazine" out of unfinished studio material, a b-side, and a couple of live tracks, and released it in 1977 without the band's input or permission.

Heart immediately took out an injunction to stop the album.  The court ruled that yes the album should not have been released without Heart's permission, but also ruled that the band still owed Mushroom a 2nd album as per the terms of their contract.  The band agreed, and went back into the studio to re-record and tidy up "Magazine".  It was duly re-released in 1978 with a different track order and some songs re-mixed and re-recorded.  Only 50,000 copies of the original album (on Mushroom Records) were pressed, and all unsold copies were recalled and destroyed.

Hmmm... I thought .  I'd like to hear this original version!   So I started having a good nose around the internet, but with no luck.  No downloadable copies of "Magazine" anywhere, other than legal sites like Amazon, and of course they would be the newer version.

Oh well.  Might as well listen to the mp3 copy that I've got then.  So I opened up the folder...

And then I took a look at the track listing.  The tracks were in the order of the 1977 release (according to wikipedia). 

It turns out not only do I already have the 1977 release, but I've always had it, and in fact it's the only copy I've ever heard!

I have now downloaded the "official" version from Amazon and am listening to it now.  It's different.  More polished.  If you have a copy, there's a couple of clues to which one you have, but the easiest way is to play the track "Just the Wine".  If you hear a flute solo from about 1 minute 30 onwards, you've got the new version.  If it's a synthesizer solo, then you've got the old version.

Alone in the World of the Sighted

Do you know what it's like to be truly alone?  To know something that nobody else knows, that nobody else can ever know?  I don't mean a secret, I mean something that nobody will ever, or can ever, understand?

In the country of the blind, they say, the one-eyed man is king.  Well, imagine the one-eyed man lives on a planet where everyone is, and always has been, blind.  Nobody knows the concept of sight or vision.  Nobody understands him when he tries to describe what "seeing" actually is.  He can't talk to anyone about what a beautiful sunset it was last night, or how the moon sparkles on the ocean waves.

I'm listening to an an album by John Martyn called "Inside Out", and it's black and white.  To be more accurate it's black on white, and always has been.  Black on a white background.  But you will never see that, because I'm not talking about the album cover.  I mean the words "Inside Out".  Inside is white, and Out is black.  Because Inside is twice as white as Out is black, the white is more prominent, hence "black on white".  As I listen to the music, whenever I think of the album name I see those two colours, and for me the perfect album cover would be a plain white background (matt white, not shiny), with the words "Inside Out" in thin matt black writing.

You see? You don't understand what I mean, and you never will.  Although other synaesthetes may see this, their colours won't be the same as mine.  I am the only person in the world who gets this particular impression from John Martyn's album, and in this matter I am as alone as any sighted person in a world of the blind can ever be.

My British Fantasy Society Competition Tweets

Julian lay back, swallowed the pill and closed his eyes. Bones cracked, muscles wrenched...seconds later Julia sat up and stretched.

He tapped the screen. “Evidence of two World Wars, 1914 to 1939!" She shrugged. "So we've crossed time-lines. I'm still going down."

"Welcome to the Infinite Library." smiled the Librarian. "The Shakespeare section? Ah yes...follow the signs for M...M For Monkeys."

As I kissed her, guiltily running my hand through her hair - so like my own - I realised that I now knew who my father was- would be.

Abe glanced through the window and blinked as a shadow covered the sun. Another Pteranodon! The time distortion field was spreading!

She crouched beside me in the ruins. "Thing's'll look better in the morning!" But morning came and the sun never rose again...ever.

“Engaging Probability Drive. Standby for Reality Shift.” After a second of disorientation the universe rearranged itself about me...

What looked like a tall potted palm regarded me with a pair of blinking eyes. "Hey you! Earth-person! You put laser down now, Okay?"

Drab Colonial ruins. Industrial purgatory. The last starship left seven years ago. I'd die here...if I could afford the funeral...

His ship a mass of twisted metal, the last of the alien invaders collapsed to the ground...and expired. “We’ve won!” she breathed.

The sun quivers reluctantly on the horizon. Bats flicker like moths. The lights in her eyes shimmer and die. The stars watch, amused.

The station rotated at a cool .9 gee as I ventured into the forest, pulse laser in hand. Somewhere in the darkness a lion screamed...

Religion as Parent substitute

I'm 50 now. I'm an adult with my own children and grandchildren.  But being a human and (allegedly) a higher animal, I am very much the sum of my experiences.  Everything that ever happened to me (that I haven't forgotten) has made me what I am today, and the majority of it is still with me. 

Past experiences can profoundly affect and inform who we are, and the strongest experiences are often the most lasting. Think about what you like eating, what music you like, what your favourite colours are, what you find attractive in the opposite sex, even what your definitions of morality say about you. Now think about when those tastes were formed.  OK some of them may have changed over the years, but in the main what you like and what you think were set down when you were quite young.

Now think about your parents.  If you're as old as me it's possible you may have lost one or both. So how did that affect you?  For the majority of people the loss of a parent, even when we are parents and grandparents ourselves, is still a devastating experience.  Why is this?  I'm 50, I don't need a Mum or Dad in the same way as I did when I was 5 years old.  But the thing is, that 5 year old is still there inside my mind.  The memories of being that young are still with me, as are the emotional attachments and feelings of being that age, and when I was 5 my Mum and Dad were the most important people in the world to me.  They did everything.  They fed me, comforted me, clothed me, soothed me, protected me, reassured me, and loved me.

If we are the sum of our experiences then those feelings are the strongest we've ever had, and they don't just vanish when we get to middle-age and beyond.  They're still there.  Even if we don't need our parents to stop us crying when we bang our knees, or cook our meals for us and tuck us into bed, to some extent we still need them.  We need the reassurance that they are there if we really want them.  And that I believe is the most traumatic effect of losing a parent - losing the person who unconditionally loves us, and who will "make it all better".

To a certain extent we kind of lose them earlier on though - generally about the time we enter adulthood, when we realise that our parents are just ordinary people and they can't right all our ills and bend the world to suit us, even though deep down we do still want them to. So what do we need?  We need a parent who can still do all the things they did when we were little children.  We need someone who loves us unconditionally, someone who will reassure us that everything will be alright in the end, and someone who actually has to power to do what he promises.  We want our parents back in the same way as we had them when we were 5. And who fits the bill?

God.

God's perfect.  He promises that he will make it alright for us. He promises that he loves us and he always will.  And he will always be there for us.  Forever.  He will never grow old and die.  He will never leave us.  But like any parent he does reserve the right to punish us if we transgress.  If we're naughty, we get a smack (how many times after some mishap have we heard people say "God must be punishing me"?).  God is the perfect parent, and this could be a good reason why adolescents sometimes turn to religion during the second decade of their lives - they are old enough to become disillusioned with their parents, but still young enough to want and crave parental comfort. 

But is this desire for a parent substitute unique to humans?  You know, I don't think so. I think we can see something similar happening in other higher animals.  Think of dogs and cats that we keep as pets.  What is their relationship to us? We feed them, give them security, comfort them...everything their own parents do to them when they are young.  In short we are our cats' and dogs' parent substitute.  We're their God.

Does this apply to all higher animals? Probably only to those who actually have the concept of a parent.  So where does that concept come from?  Well simply from the fact that you are brought up by your parent or parents. So any animals that aren't...won't have a need for a parent substitute.  Think turtles, crocodiles, fish, where the eggs are laid and the offspring left to fend for themselves. Those animals would probably not have a concept of a God, as they don't have a concept of a parent. 

Would it be possible for such an animal to evolve higher intelligence without understanding the concept of a parent, and therefore not needing the concept of a God?  Unlikely, since higher animals need parental contributions to pass on things like language and learned skills. Instinct can only take an animal so far. 

Depressingly this means that any intelligent life we find outside of the Earth is likely to at least be familiar with the concept of religion.  You can't have parents without eventually ending up with God.